pissed... why'd i ever apply to college

So i've come to a realization i've been ignoring for a long time. I don't anything i enjoy studying. Beyond that, i don't have a clue what i want to do for the rest of my life. I want to do something i love, and guess what. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS?!?!?!?!?!?! WHAT THE HELL!!!
Ive been studying business because i thought it was the only thing i could stand studying. Math is boring, english I find pathetically easy and annoying, history can be entertaining if your professor doesn't put you to sleep, science... you find out how stuff works and i'm reminded how little i care, it's ridiculous. I am just generally bored by school. And now i've found business to be nothing but a classroom of selfish students who want nothing more in life than to make lots of money. Excuse me while i HURL all over your econ graphs and accounting statements.
I'm more than likely not going to get into the business school for winter quarter, thus, by the UW's mandate, I'll be a Communications major. Which is about a 1 out of 10 as far as majors go in my book.
I literally can't think of anything I enjoy studying or would love doing for a living. Yes, i enjoy sports, and no, i'm not good enough at any of them to pursue any kind of occupation having to do with them (besides concessions maybe. and even then i'm not qualified to manage a concessions stand).
I hate that i've been shelling out money for a major i don't want any part of. I don't want my name on a degree like Comm. I'd rather wipe my transcript and start over. I feel like i'm wasting my life going no where.
which leads me to think about what i've been accomplishing over the past few years. i got my diploma and an AA.
wow.
really?.... a 10 year old can graduate from the high school i went to.
I dont' feel like i'm a good example for my siblings
and i think my girlfriend deserves much more than i can offer
especially as i'm completely and utterly lost as to what i'm going to do with the rest of my life.

I'm an effing waiter... A WAITER!!! who gives a rip about a waiter.

basically i'm looking for a reason to keep going. Something to work towards. A goal. a path. SOMETHING...
Football gave me something to work for. Training to get a scholarship of some kind. Talking to coaches and getting offers from different schools. it was all exciting. but i ended up going to UW and not playing any sports at all. The closest thing to sports i've done in over a year is a co-ed E League Rec. soccer team once a week.

i guess i'm looking for purpose. something to hold onto and work towards. I hate feeling like i'm running around in the dark about to run into something going nowhere.

I hate this

lol i never post!

I'm not even gonna bother and check when my last post was. Long enough ago i think i can safely say no one is reading this blog. which is nice. kinda makes it an outlet for me that's technically public, but private. :P

been out of school for about 2 1/2 weeks now. i've been working. that's basically it. working. and i haven't saved a dime... sad huh? that's basically the only reason i work during the summer... fail. again. that's depressing.
and i dont' want this post to be another emo i hate my life and i suck at everything i do post, so moving on.

my better half and i have finally hit 4 months! which doesn't seem like a lot, and compared to past relationships, it's peanuts, but it really is considerable in my mind! which doesn't explain why i didn't do anything for her... i dont' even know that i wished her a happy 4 months. as petty as 4 months may seem... the least i could've done is wished her a happy anniversary. i'm a sad prick.

it's nice being back with the family! back home, finally put all my clothes away today (meaning off the floor...). packed up a bunch of stuff i won't see till fall. I'm uber excited to move into my new house! myself and 4 other people are renting a house for the year. it's about 4 blocks from campus, (about 3 blocks from my girlfriend :D), has a HUGE driveway (free parking!!), and it's gonna be UBER cheap. It's a four bedroom house. I'm sharing the huge room with another guy, and we're splitting the cost of that room. it'll be $310 a month for me which is NOTHING in the U District. :D
but ya. that's my plans for the school year. :D financial aid package is looking really good too.
still not sure what i'm gonna do once i'm done. All of my friends will still be finishing up their Bachelor's. I should be finished in the spring, if not then summer. As of now i'm looking at two options.
1) Be done with school and enroll in a firefighting academy. Start volunteering and get certified as an EMT and try to get on as one. Apply and test EVERYWHERE there is any opennings whatsoever.
2) find a masters program i'm somewhat interested in (seeing as how i have yet to begin a program i have any interest in whatsoever in all of my academic career...) and finish up one of those. I'll be 20 when I graduate from college...

Honestly i wish one of these options stuck out to me more, but neither really do. A masters program would be just continuing what i've been doing my entire life. School. I'm used to it, i know it, it's familiar, and comfortable. Not to mention drop dead dull.... i really wish i had an interest in anything... i really do.
maybe its my attitude... i don't know... does someone consciously choose to enjoy something? or is it just that everything i do enjoy people either laugh at, or you can't "study" it. w/e
i've given up fighting this ridiculous system they call "higher education." the only thing higher about it is the tuition bills. anyone can get into college if they feel like it. i got into... 4? yes, it's more advanced, but it's like running. eventually, as you grow older, you get longer legs and you run farther and faster. No one is shocked or makes a big deal over the fact that a 12th grader can outrun a 6th grader. when you graduate from high school your brain can move faster and take in more info. it's no different and it takes no more effort that high school did if you put it to scale.

work has been someone mundane. the same thing over and over and over and over and over again.... my job requires no brain power whatseover. you get in trouble for being overly friendly and you get in trouble for not being talkative. but that's why i'm going to college right?... (see above...)

wow, for never posting i sure have a lot of nothing to talk about.

well, i'm gonna end it here. it's 2:11am and i'm actually planning on doing things tomorrow.
Night all!

She loves me more

So today was rough. Class went pretty well. Got a midterm back (accounting) and I scored well above the curve, learned a bit in my New Testament class, went to music team practice, and a soccer game. I'll start from the end and work my way backwards.

The soccer game didn't go well.
We lost, but what really bothered me was how the game played out. It wasn't as if we didn't play hard, or we slacked off. It wasn't like previous games where my knee gets blown out again and I can barely limp off the field on my own. I literally had to sub myself out and take off my gear because i got so frustrated. I'm playing in a co-ed league, a low skilled co-ed league, which works for me because i pretty much suck in comparison to what i used to be. the team we played just didn't ... play. I would run around trying gain possesion of the ball, move it up the field, etc, and they would literally, flop in front of me. Tumble and fall spralled out all over the place. These GUYS (didn't have any problems with their female players... mind you) would throw themselves on the ground to get a call. It was pathetic. It wasn't soccer, it was an acting class. I couldn't PLAY. So that frustrated me. Pulled myself out because at that point i don't want to play soccer anymore, i want to make them earn their fouls. basically i would've started feeding them turf. and seeing as how that wouldn't benefit my team at all, i took my gear off and called it a game.
i talk about this with my girlfriend (more like whine to her...) on the way home and i'm pretty sure i irritated her with it.
the music practice
it went fine. we went through all the songs we'll sing on Sunday morning. We made a few adjustments and went on our merry way. Got into an argument with my girlfriend from music practice to the soccer game. Mostly about the fact that I don't enjoy singing for the music team, and that i'm doing it because i feel like my elder wanted me to.
I'm in the mindset that when someone in authority over you asks you to do something, you do it. No questions or comments. It's "Yes Sir" or "Yes Mam." You don't have a choice in the matter and you do as you're told and instructed.
She looks at it differently. She explained to me that if I don't feel like I'm called to that ministry, that I should tell them and step down. She tried to explain to her that I do have a choice and that the elders wouldn't want me doing this if it wasn't something I feel like God has called me to do.
She's right of course. It's hard to truly put your heart and soul into a ministry when you don't want to be there. Now don't get the wrong impression. When i go i am completely respectful. I get there on time, i sing when they tell me to sing, i laugh at their jokes, and i do as i'm told respectfully and with a good attitude. I have no qualms about it. I'm of the opinion that if they want me to sing, I'll sing. In all honesty there's no difference for me if i'm singing up front or in the pews.
It was something she is rightfully concerned about. She's a gifted musician. An amazing pianist with the voice of an angel to accompany it. She is called to this ministry and is somewhat appalled at the fact that I'm doing it when i really don't enjoy it or care. For me it's not an issue of whether i care or not. It's doing what i'm told.
In all honesty, I would love to serve in the music ministry. it just so happens that I SUCK...
yes. i can carry a tune. I "sing." I used to be in a choir and I used to train my voice for a class in order to perform. I also used to play sax. I haven't consistently played it for about 5 years. Every time I pick it up now. I SUCK.
I would LOVE to get better. I would love to study music. i would love to be decent again. good even. but the fact is, right now i suck and i hate that. i'm reminded of it every time i open a hymnal or look at a sheet of music.
So when it gets down to it, it's not that i don't want to serve. i just think God would call people who enjoy it the way they perform. I don't enjoy singing when i hate what comes out of my mouth. It's the same with dancing or sports i suck at. it's hard to enjoy them when you can't make anything good come out of them. it's frustrating beyond belief.
like i said. She's right. i shouldn't be singing if i don't feel called to it. the problem is there's still this obedience theory ingrained in me. I do as I'm told and I was told to sing with the music team. ...ugh...
and she was also trying to get me not to play in the game tonight because my knee is injured. She cares about me and just doesn't want me to get hurt more and i got angry. i keep feeling like i'm losing more and more of myself as i grow up, including sports and i kinda took it out on her without telling her what the real issue was. she was just trying to keep me safe and healthy and i just argued with her. Great boyfriend right?....

so those were the aggrivating parts of my day. the worst part is i'm stressing out her and she's overwhelmed as it is... i really need to think of something she'd enjoy...

i love you hun. and i know you love me more

Firefighting

it's my dream job. it's my aspiration. my goal. what i'm reaching and striving for as i enter my late teens and early twenties. the only reason i find myself at the University of Washington is so that i can have a bachelor's degree on my resume. :P
I can't wait. I'm looking forward to all of it.
Volunteering
Training to be a Paramedic/EMT
Ride Alongs
Firefighting Academy.
Full day shifts
4 days off at a time regularly
time to cook and play sports on the job
help people
save lives
earn enough to provide for a family.

i can't wait. :D

money... i laugh at you!!! hahahaha!

So for the last few weeks, i've had so much going on i've had to request off tons of shifts... which leaves me with zero dollars. i worked last night and made $50, 20 of which went straight into my tank. Checked my bank account, and I owe them about $47 in overcharges. sucky. OH! and I owe my dad $200 by Sunday. AND.. my friends I'm getting a house with are wondering if I'll have enough to put a down payment on the house we want to rent for next year. Hm... so that puts about.... $0 to my name, not including the $5200 I'm in debt for student loans... lol
In all honesty, I couldn't care less.
Again, going back to my dad's perspective. It's not what you do or how much money you make, it's how you treat the people around you. It's about living for the God who created you for a purpose. As of now, God doesn't want me to have money. That's apparent. But the car I'm driving runs (i would say my car runs but it doesn't... lol), I've got food in my stomach, I've got a full tank of gas, I still have a job, a family and girlfriend who love me, and if I die I'm going to heaven and i lose all my debt anyway! ;D
This world puts such an emphasis on money. Family's tear themselves apart over it. The entire country is freaking out becasue we're slipping into a "recession" that they themselves (civilians) caused, ... it's nuts.
my girlfriend the other day wasn't sure that she wanted to go to a photography seminar because it would cost her about 20% of the paycheck she just got. She LOVES photography and she is AMAZING with a camera. She is never unhappy with a camera in her hands. I wanted to shake her so hard her eyes would pop out. I told her she should go and I'll pay the fee if she wouldn't. Money is ridiculous. I ended up picking a college because it was the cheapest of my options. Looking back, that was a stupid way to go about it. It turned out well, but still a horrible factor to base my decision on.
It's not about money. God provides the money you'll need to fulfill the plan He has for you. If the money doesn't show up, He doesn't want you doing whatever it was at the time. He makes it pretty black and white. I'm at the University of Washington right now because God has provided me with the resources to do so.
This is the part I love. -- everyone clutches to money SO tightly, and every minute they do, that money is worth less and less and less.... a cup of joe costs $5. come on.
Anyways, no moral to the story. Money's stupid and those who chase it are fools. You're like a dog chasing cars. Even if you do make as much as you want, you still won't be happy. "A man's wealth may ransom his life, but a poor man hears no threat." - somewhere in Proverbs 13. :P
screw money.
enjoy life
-people
-smiles
-friends
-family
-LOVE

2 months!!

today marks two months courting the woman i want to spend the rest of my life with. i wish i deserved her and wish i could treat her the way she deserves to be treated. i am so in love with her.
on a heavier note, im going to try to get into the photography program. i am going to have to withdraw from a class for the first time ever. my Econ 300 class i am completely lost in. took a midterm yesterday and i honestly didnt understand anything on it. :/

one thing i've been focusing on is priorities. what really matters. what is going to make a difference in the BIG picture.
my dad made this very clear to me. God didnt put us here to make lots of money, be beautiful, have a great job, etc. God put us here to glorify Him. we are here to love Him back, and to love His children. it's not about us. its about Him. its about people. my dad said, "it doesnt matter what you do. what matters is how you treat people while you do it." - talking about my education and future career.
this makes school so much more bearable. it makes going about my day that much easier knowing God is in control and can use anything for His glory... it keeps me humble and keeps me focused on what's important. people.
i have been so humbled while courting these last two months. she is the most amazing example of humility and a servant's heart.
jumper. loving you makes me a better person. i love you so much. happy two months my love.

movin on

So i bombed another quarter. not nearly as bad as i did fall quarter, but bombed it non the less. ended up with a 2.8 in accounting, 3.6 in geology, and a 2.7 in "writing in the workplace".... needless to say it was a lame quarter.
this quarter is just as bad. the second accounting course, intermediate microeconomics, and introduction to the new testament... ugh
intro to NT will at least be interesting and applicable. The econ class is STRAIGHT math.. which is uber lame.
still workin about 20-30 hours a week. need a different job. change of pace. i've been with the same company for about two and a half years now.
other than that, i'm leading a much happier life. i've come to the conclusion that if God keeps me here, he must have a purpose and a reason to be here.
So far I'm not too overwhelmed with life. Probably a result of it only being the first week. :P I'm loving the amount of time I'm getting to spend with my girlfriend. I just soak up the energy she seems to never run out of. Just sitting next to her helps me enjoy life. She's my little angel God sent to keep me going. I just hope He plans to keep her with me for the rest of my life.

control

Control is an illusion.
To think you can run anything by yourself with your own power is ludicrous. In reality we have zero control over what God will hand us or throw at us in life. And whether we have to catch it, or dodge it, there isn't a soul on earth who can just stand there and take it.

As of now there is no doubt in my mind that I hate the major I'm currently working on. I HATE studying business. But going through the hundred other majors at the UW, I realized it wasn't just my major I hated. Pretty sure i just hate school. I couldn't find a single major i was genuinely interested in studying. Music and photography would be fun, but not as a career. I'd be studying them as hobbies, which isn't what college is about. It's not a place to practice a hobby. Every student in the music and art schools at the UW want to pursue these fields for a living. Everyone in the business school at the UW wants to go into business and make lots of money once they're out. I don't want any of that. I want to be a paramedic and fight fires for the rest of my life. I don't care about Dividends Payable, Premium of Bonds, Retained Earnings, or the depreciation on your trashed equipment. I DON'T CARE.
My current situation credit wise stands like this.
Bachelors in Photography - 85 credits away
Bachelors in Interdisiplinary Visual Arts - over 60 credits away
Bachelors in Visual Communication - 80 credits away
Bachelors in Business Administration - (about) 53 credits away
Progress towards a career in firefighting --> ZERO

On top of that I'm accruing loads of debt through student loans, I don't have money to put down for boarding for next year, and I'm behind on the cash I need for next quarter's room and board.
Oh, ya. And i've got a crap schedule too.

Honestly, it seems like I chose to attend the UW and God is waving his finger at me saying "that's not where I wanted you..."
Well where am I supposed to be?! I thought this was where you wanted me. Everything was laid out.

I'm tired of walking around campus feeling like everyone else has an idea as to what they're doing or why they're here. I'm tired of feeling second rate. I'm tired of watching everyone around me get excited about what they're studying; about what they're learning, while I'm literally ripping my hair out of my head out of frustration.

God, if I'm not supposed to be here, or doing this, where they HELL am I supposed to be and what the hell do you want me doing. I want to do what you have planned for me. I do. That's why this is so frustrating for me. If you wanted me here, I have a feeling you wouldn't be pushing me away from it. I need guidence. Tell me what I'm supposed to do, because right now, I'm getting sick and tired of spinning my tires going nowhere. I'll flip burgers for the rest of my life if that's your plan for me Lord, but please, just tell me what it is...
Gabriel

:P

Love my Dad. He always puts things into perspective for me. Always anchors me into what really matters. Priorities.
He will always love me no matter how many classes I fail or how miserable my job is.
love you Dad

spring break

soooooooooooooooooooooo sittin at home trying to relax. I'm basically waiting around to go to work... which sucks when you hate your job. just got home for spring break and I get to work the entire week. I'm about $500 in the hole, and i have a week to make it up. sounds like fun huh? ;P
Hoping to take my girlfriend to see a movie in the next few days. I've been away from her for 12 hours and I'm already going crazy enough to drive to her house and drag her out of bed for a hug :D
It's great to be home though. I miss my folks. I've got four younger sisters and a younger brother. It makes for a crazy house, but a house I grew up in and miss every day I'm away. It's good to be home. Just driving around this area is a relief on the senses. Just feeling like you're home takes so much stress off of your mind.
I get one week in this sanctuary of sanity. LOVE IT!

contemplative

today was by far one of the best days I've had in a LONG time. for the most part i took naps and relaxed AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL day. yes, i was supposed to be working on starting/finishing up an 8-10pg research paper that was due three and a half hours ago, but i had a great day. my first final out of the way and i got to spend, literally, the entire day with my incredible girlfriend. basically taking naps the entire time. :D
yes i turned my research paper in.
no it wasn't much of a paper
and yes, my grade will suffer for it

I've finally established i don't want to be a business major. I want to study something i enjoy from now on. I'm going to talk to the art department and try to get into the photography program. that's the plan anywayz. meh.

So I just got done watching "A Walk to Remember" over at my girlfriend's place. great movie btw. great acting, story line, clean. :P my kind of movie. but it honestly put me in a contemplative mood. thinking about things like,
Am i a man?
If i am one, when did i get here?
If not, when will i?
Am i ready to get married?
Do i love my girlfriend enough to do anything for her?
Can I see myself spending the rest of my life with her? ;P

lots of contemplative stuff like that. wasn't really looking for answers, but I do love and adore my girlfriend. Can't wait to see her tomorrow.

Go BIG or Go HOME
Gabriel

The working sector...

I work, like most people in this world do, at a dead end job. Which, in my case, is ok at the moment. I'm in college, and I just need something to pay the bill at the moment. That's why I'm going to college. So I don't end up with a dead end job the rest of my life :D
I'm a server at an Italian restaurant chain. My job is to euthanize obese Americans with ungodly amounts of alfredo and breadsticks. I feel like the grim reaper. People come in and ask me to put them down with lasagna and chicken alfredo (with extra sauce), but always with a diet coke....
I've been doing this for about a year now. I was a busser in the same chain for a year and a half before that. I'm extremely tired of it. I literally come to work, shut my brain off when I walk in the door, and turn it back on when I walk out. I have a completely mindless job. It's the same thing over and over again.
-Drinks
-Soup or Salad (or both... with breadsticks of course)
-refills on soups and salads
-Entrees
-more refills on whatever else people think they need
-Desert if they didn't have enough refills of fatness.
REPEAT
It's SO dull... I really need a job that is somewhat mentally stimulating.
Right now I'd be satisfied with any kind of change in scenery. The only person that doesn't agree with me is my dad. He points out the financial consequences. He's right. Anything else part time would pay a fraction of what I'm making now.
SUCKS...
The only thing that keeps me sane there is the people I work with. I can stand about half of them. But ya. :D
Go BIG or Go HOME
Gabriel

The social side of things...

So i don't have much of a social life. The little time I do spend generally revolves around my girlfriend. She is the most amazing thing that's happened to me in years. She's always been in my life, but only recently has it become romantic. I've known her, literally, my entire life. She is the most kind, sweet, loving, gentle, Godly woman i know. Smart, artistic, beautiful, ... I'll leave it at that. I'll only insult her real image by trying to put it into words. Anyways, she's amazing and I spend three times as much time with her as I do on my studies. Most of that has to do with interest. When you're studying a subject you couldn't care less about, it takes a LOT of discipline to actually buckle down and study! Her, I am interested in... :D She's such an example it's incredible. She is always smiling, has a much more positive outlook on life. She's just awesome to be around. It's like she's always glowing!
So other than my amazing girlfriend, my social life consists of.... occasionally seeing friends around campus, the occasional (let me emphasis OCCASIONAL) meal w/ friends, and even more rare, are the chances I get to drive home and hang out with high school friends. The bulletproof relationships. My sister is my closest friend. She always finishes my sentences and knows exactly what I'm thinking and what I am about to do. We feed off each other :P
So ya, socially, I'm in a ditch right now. Mostly because I work too much and I have such a crazy schedule. Hoping to change that in the near future. :D

Go BIG or Go HOME
Gabriel

To start off with, ...

I find it incredible how fast your world can crumble and fall around your ears.
This is my first year at the University. I'm technically a junior by credits thanks to the Running Start program. OH! and I'm currently BOMBING COLLEGE...
This is the end of my second quarter at the U. First quarter I finished with a 2.27 gpa... My GPA from community college didn't transfer so thanks to First Year Korean and a Macro Econ night class, I'm sitting on the worst GPA I've ever had. From a 3.56 to a 2.27 in one quarter. GAH!
Anywaz, I'm a business major as of now. I haven't applied to the business school yet (they only take applications twice a year and April will be the first time I'll be eligable) and I'm running out of things to take. As of now I'm bombing my first accounting class and barely hanging onto a "Writing in the Workplace" course....
So that's my acadamia!
Go BIG or Go HOME
Gabriel