She loves me more

So today was rough. Class went pretty well. Got a midterm back (accounting) and I scored well above the curve, learned a bit in my New Testament class, went to music team practice, and a soccer game. I'll start from the end and work my way backwards.

The soccer game didn't go well.
We lost, but what really bothered me was how the game played out. It wasn't as if we didn't play hard, or we slacked off. It wasn't like previous games where my knee gets blown out again and I can barely limp off the field on my own. I literally had to sub myself out and take off my gear because i got so frustrated. I'm playing in a co-ed league, a low skilled co-ed league, which works for me because i pretty much suck in comparison to what i used to be. the team we played just didn't ... play. I would run around trying gain possesion of the ball, move it up the field, etc, and they would literally, flop in front of me. Tumble and fall spralled out all over the place. These GUYS (didn't have any problems with their female players... mind you) would throw themselves on the ground to get a call. It was pathetic. It wasn't soccer, it was an acting class. I couldn't PLAY. So that frustrated me. Pulled myself out because at that point i don't want to play soccer anymore, i want to make them earn their fouls. basically i would've started feeding them turf. and seeing as how that wouldn't benefit my team at all, i took my gear off and called it a game.
i talk about this with my girlfriend (more like whine to her...) on the way home and i'm pretty sure i irritated her with it.
the music practice
it went fine. we went through all the songs we'll sing on Sunday morning. We made a few adjustments and went on our merry way. Got into an argument with my girlfriend from music practice to the soccer game. Mostly about the fact that I don't enjoy singing for the music team, and that i'm doing it because i feel like my elder wanted me to.
I'm in the mindset that when someone in authority over you asks you to do something, you do it. No questions or comments. It's "Yes Sir" or "Yes Mam." You don't have a choice in the matter and you do as you're told and instructed.
She looks at it differently. She explained to me that if I don't feel like I'm called to that ministry, that I should tell them and step down. She tried to explain to her that I do have a choice and that the elders wouldn't want me doing this if it wasn't something I feel like God has called me to do.
She's right of course. It's hard to truly put your heart and soul into a ministry when you don't want to be there. Now don't get the wrong impression. When i go i am completely respectful. I get there on time, i sing when they tell me to sing, i laugh at their jokes, and i do as i'm told respectfully and with a good attitude. I have no qualms about it. I'm of the opinion that if they want me to sing, I'll sing. In all honesty there's no difference for me if i'm singing up front or in the pews.
It was something she is rightfully concerned about. She's a gifted musician. An amazing pianist with the voice of an angel to accompany it. She is called to this ministry and is somewhat appalled at the fact that I'm doing it when i really don't enjoy it or care. For me it's not an issue of whether i care or not. It's doing what i'm told.
In all honesty, I would love to serve in the music ministry. it just so happens that I SUCK...
yes. i can carry a tune. I "sing." I used to be in a choir and I used to train my voice for a class in order to perform. I also used to play sax. I haven't consistently played it for about 5 years. Every time I pick it up now. I SUCK.
I would LOVE to get better. I would love to study music. i would love to be decent again. good even. but the fact is, right now i suck and i hate that. i'm reminded of it every time i open a hymnal or look at a sheet of music.
So when it gets down to it, it's not that i don't want to serve. i just think God would call people who enjoy it the way they perform. I don't enjoy singing when i hate what comes out of my mouth. It's the same with dancing or sports i suck at. it's hard to enjoy them when you can't make anything good come out of them. it's frustrating beyond belief.
like i said. She's right. i shouldn't be singing if i don't feel called to it. the problem is there's still this obedience theory ingrained in me. I do as I'm told and I was told to sing with the music team. ...ugh...
and she was also trying to get me not to play in the game tonight because my knee is injured. She cares about me and just doesn't want me to get hurt more and i got angry. i keep feeling like i'm losing more and more of myself as i grow up, including sports and i kinda took it out on her without telling her what the real issue was. she was just trying to keep me safe and healthy and i just argued with her. Great boyfriend right?....

so those were the aggrivating parts of my day. the worst part is i'm stressing out her and she's overwhelmed as it is... i really need to think of something she'd enjoy...

i love you hun. and i know you love me more