control

Control is an illusion.
To think you can run anything by yourself with your own power is ludicrous. In reality we have zero control over what God will hand us or throw at us in life. And whether we have to catch it, or dodge it, there isn't a soul on earth who can just stand there and take it.

As of now there is no doubt in my mind that I hate the major I'm currently working on. I HATE studying business. But going through the hundred other majors at the UW, I realized it wasn't just my major I hated. Pretty sure i just hate school. I couldn't find a single major i was genuinely interested in studying. Music and photography would be fun, but not as a career. I'd be studying them as hobbies, which isn't what college is about. It's not a place to practice a hobby. Every student in the music and art schools at the UW want to pursue these fields for a living. Everyone in the business school at the UW wants to go into business and make lots of money once they're out. I don't want any of that. I want to be a paramedic and fight fires for the rest of my life. I don't care about Dividends Payable, Premium of Bonds, Retained Earnings, or the depreciation on your trashed equipment. I DON'T CARE.
My current situation credit wise stands like this.
Bachelors in Photography - 85 credits away
Bachelors in Interdisiplinary Visual Arts - over 60 credits away
Bachelors in Visual Communication - 80 credits away
Bachelors in Business Administration - (about) 53 credits away
Progress towards a career in firefighting --> ZERO

On top of that I'm accruing loads of debt through student loans, I don't have money to put down for boarding for next year, and I'm behind on the cash I need for next quarter's room and board.
Oh, ya. And i've got a crap schedule too.

Honestly, it seems like I chose to attend the UW and God is waving his finger at me saying "that's not where I wanted you..."
Well where am I supposed to be?! I thought this was where you wanted me. Everything was laid out.

I'm tired of walking around campus feeling like everyone else has an idea as to what they're doing or why they're here. I'm tired of feeling second rate. I'm tired of watching everyone around me get excited about what they're studying; about what they're learning, while I'm literally ripping my hair out of my head out of frustration.

God, if I'm not supposed to be here, or doing this, where they HELL am I supposed to be and what the hell do you want me doing. I want to do what you have planned for me. I do. That's why this is so frustrating for me. If you wanted me here, I have a feeling you wouldn't be pushing me away from it. I need guidence. Tell me what I'm supposed to do, because right now, I'm getting sick and tired of spinning my tires going nowhere. I'll flip burgers for the rest of my life if that's your plan for me Lord, but please, just tell me what it is...
Gabriel