control

Control is an illusion.
To think you can run anything by yourself with your own power is ludicrous. In reality we have zero control over what God will hand us or throw at us in life. And whether we have to catch it, or dodge it, there isn't a soul on earth who can just stand there and take it.

As of now there is no doubt in my mind that I hate the major I'm currently working on. I HATE studying business. But going through the hundred other majors at the UW, I realized it wasn't just my major I hated. Pretty sure i just hate school. I couldn't find a single major i was genuinely interested in studying. Music and photography would be fun, but not as a career. I'd be studying them as hobbies, which isn't what college is about. It's not a place to practice a hobby. Every student in the music and art schools at the UW want to pursue these fields for a living. Everyone in the business school at the UW wants to go into business and make lots of money once they're out. I don't want any of that. I want to be a paramedic and fight fires for the rest of my life. I don't care about Dividends Payable, Premium of Bonds, Retained Earnings, or the depreciation on your trashed equipment. I DON'T CARE.
My current situation credit wise stands like this.
Bachelors in Photography - 85 credits away
Bachelors in Interdisiplinary Visual Arts - over 60 credits away
Bachelors in Visual Communication - 80 credits away
Bachelors in Business Administration - (about) 53 credits away
Progress towards a career in firefighting --> ZERO

On top of that I'm accruing loads of debt through student loans, I don't have money to put down for boarding for next year, and I'm behind on the cash I need for next quarter's room and board.
Oh, ya. And i've got a crap schedule too.

Honestly, it seems like I chose to attend the UW and God is waving his finger at me saying "that's not where I wanted you..."
Well where am I supposed to be?! I thought this was where you wanted me. Everything was laid out.

I'm tired of walking around campus feeling like everyone else has an idea as to what they're doing or why they're here. I'm tired of feeling second rate. I'm tired of watching everyone around me get excited about what they're studying; about what they're learning, while I'm literally ripping my hair out of my head out of frustration.

God, if I'm not supposed to be here, or doing this, where they HELL am I supposed to be and what the hell do you want me doing. I want to do what you have planned for me. I do. That's why this is so frustrating for me. If you wanted me here, I have a feeling you wouldn't be pushing me away from it. I need guidence. Tell me what I'm supposed to do, because right now, I'm getting sick and tired of spinning my tires going nowhere. I'll flip burgers for the rest of my life if that's your plan for me Lord, but please, just tell me what it is...
Gabriel

:P

Love my Dad. He always puts things into perspective for me. Always anchors me into what really matters. Priorities.
He will always love me no matter how many classes I fail or how miserable my job is.
love you Dad

spring break

soooooooooooooooooooooo sittin at home trying to relax. I'm basically waiting around to go to work... which sucks when you hate your job. just got home for spring break and I get to work the entire week. I'm about $500 in the hole, and i have a week to make it up. sounds like fun huh? ;P
Hoping to take my girlfriend to see a movie in the next few days. I've been away from her for 12 hours and I'm already going crazy enough to drive to her house and drag her out of bed for a hug :D
It's great to be home though. I miss my folks. I've got four younger sisters and a younger brother. It makes for a crazy house, but a house I grew up in and miss every day I'm away. It's good to be home. Just driving around this area is a relief on the senses. Just feeling like you're home takes so much stress off of your mind.
I get one week in this sanctuary of sanity. LOVE IT!

contemplative

today was by far one of the best days I've had in a LONG time. for the most part i took naps and relaxed AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL day. yes, i was supposed to be working on starting/finishing up an 8-10pg research paper that was due three and a half hours ago, but i had a great day. my first final out of the way and i got to spend, literally, the entire day with my incredible girlfriend. basically taking naps the entire time. :D
yes i turned my research paper in.
no it wasn't much of a paper
and yes, my grade will suffer for it

I've finally established i don't want to be a business major. I want to study something i enjoy from now on. I'm going to talk to the art department and try to get into the photography program. that's the plan anywayz. meh.

So I just got done watching "A Walk to Remember" over at my girlfriend's place. great movie btw. great acting, story line, clean. :P my kind of movie. but it honestly put me in a contemplative mood. thinking about things like,
Am i a man?
If i am one, when did i get here?
If not, when will i?
Am i ready to get married?
Do i love my girlfriend enough to do anything for her?
Can I see myself spending the rest of my life with her? ;P

lots of contemplative stuff like that. wasn't really looking for answers, but I do love and adore my girlfriend. Can't wait to see her tomorrow.

Go BIG or Go HOME
Gabriel

The working sector...

I work, like most people in this world do, at a dead end job. Which, in my case, is ok at the moment. I'm in college, and I just need something to pay the bill at the moment. That's why I'm going to college. So I don't end up with a dead end job the rest of my life :D
I'm a server at an Italian restaurant chain. My job is to euthanize obese Americans with ungodly amounts of alfredo and breadsticks. I feel like the grim reaper. People come in and ask me to put them down with lasagna and chicken alfredo (with extra sauce), but always with a diet coke....
I've been doing this for about a year now. I was a busser in the same chain for a year and a half before that. I'm extremely tired of it. I literally come to work, shut my brain off when I walk in the door, and turn it back on when I walk out. I have a completely mindless job. It's the same thing over and over again.
-Drinks
-Soup or Salad (or both... with breadsticks of course)
-refills on soups and salads
-Entrees
-more refills on whatever else people think they need
-Desert if they didn't have enough refills of fatness.
REPEAT
It's SO dull... I really need a job that is somewhat mentally stimulating.
Right now I'd be satisfied with any kind of change in scenery. The only person that doesn't agree with me is my dad. He points out the financial consequences. He's right. Anything else part time would pay a fraction of what I'm making now.
SUCKS...
The only thing that keeps me sane there is the people I work with. I can stand about half of them. But ya. :D
Go BIG or Go HOME
Gabriel

The social side of things...

So i don't have much of a social life. The little time I do spend generally revolves around my girlfriend. She is the most amazing thing that's happened to me in years. She's always been in my life, but only recently has it become romantic. I've known her, literally, my entire life. She is the most kind, sweet, loving, gentle, Godly woman i know. Smart, artistic, beautiful, ... I'll leave it at that. I'll only insult her real image by trying to put it into words. Anyways, she's amazing and I spend three times as much time with her as I do on my studies. Most of that has to do with interest. When you're studying a subject you couldn't care less about, it takes a LOT of discipline to actually buckle down and study! Her, I am interested in... :D She's such an example it's incredible. She is always smiling, has a much more positive outlook on life. She's just awesome to be around. It's like she's always glowing!
So other than my amazing girlfriend, my social life consists of.... occasionally seeing friends around campus, the occasional (let me emphasis OCCASIONAL) meal w/ friends, and even more rare, are the chances I get to drive home and hang out with high school friends. The bulletproof relationships. My sister is my closest friend. She always finishes my sentences and knows exactly what I'm thinking and what I am about to do. We feed off each other :P
So ya, socially, I'm in a ditch right now. Mostly because I work too much and I have such a crazy schedule. Hoping to change that in the near future. :D

Go BIG or Go HOME
Gabriel

To start off with, ...

I find it incredible how fast your world can crumble and fall around your ears.
This is my first year at the University. I'm technically a junior by credits thanks to the Running Start program. OH! and I'm currently BOMBING COLLEGE...
This is the end of my second quarter at the U. First quarter I finished with a 2.27 gpa... My GPA from community college didn't transfer so thanks to First Year Korean and a Macro Econ night class, I'm sitting on the worst GPA I've ever had. From a 3.56 to a 2.27 in one quarter. GAH!
Anywaz, I'm a business major as of now. I haven't applied to the business school yet (they only take applications twice a year and April will be the first time I'll be eligable) and I'm running out of things to take. As of now I'm bombing my first accounting class and barely hanging onto a "Writing in the Workplace" course....
So that's my acadamia!
Go BIG or Go HOME
Gabriel