almost a year later...

I can't believe it's been a year already... I'm finishing up my second semester at the PLU Business School, and I can't wait to be done. One more semester in the fall and I'll be out and done. The big question looming over my head now is,... where do I go from here? The job market SUCKS and I feel like if I don't get my hands on an internship right now, I'm never going to enter the business world... I don't have a huge school on my resume, and I have service based work experience with little or no extra curricular activities. That and my lovely lady wants to get married. OH YA! and i'm broke... yikes. Time to pray up!

Thank you Jumper for always being there and supporting me in everything I do. I can't wait to make you proud.

Summer school

Taking two classes over the summer to help me transfer into PLU.
1) Business 101... (duh)
2) CIS 130 = Microsoft Office for Dummies...
Anyways, trying to fight my job and work with school and figure out what I'm going to do in the fall all at the same time. All the while worrying cause I haven't been training like I'm supposed to be... UGH!!! I've got one month till football starts. Screwed...
anyways, more prayer cause this is gonna be tough...

So it's June... 2010

I haven't written here in forever. Mostly cause I gave up. But I do now have a different chapter opening up in my college career. I am no longer a student at the University of Washington. I'm now a LUTE. That's right L-U-T-E... don't ask me what it is. I'm enrolled at Pacific Lutheran University. I'm also their new kicker for this fall. :D crazy right?
I've gone to not knowing what I want to do with the rest of my life, to throwing myself back into football, and back into business. --> oh ya. I'm enrolled in their business school too... lol I've got so many credits in that area already I decided to finish it out. I'm business/economics minded anyway. Might as well.
Anyways, I'll keep this short. :)
From Purple and Gold
To Black and Gold.
pray...

reset button...

so to continue the failure tradition, im now a transfer student bound to Pacific Lutheran University in the fall. I'm also their new Kicker and am planning on twice as much school debt as originally planned... FAIL!!!
But on the bright side, my girlfriend is through with school! lol
no idea how im going to pay for school and not even sure where ill live. cool huh? anyways. plenty to dwell on. fun fun. time to start training!

pissed... why'd i ever apply to college

So i've come to a realization i've been ignoring for a long time. I don't anything i enjoy studying. Beyond that, i don't have a clue what i want to do for the rest of my life. I want to do something i love, and guess what. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS?!?!?!?!?!?! WHAT THE HELL!!!
Ive been studying business because i thought it was the only thing i could stand studying. Math is boring, english I find pathetically easy and annoying, history can be entertaining if your professor doesn't put you to sleep, science... you find out how stuff works and i'm reminded how little i care, it's ridiculous. I am just generally bored by school. And now i've found business to be nothing but a classroom of selfish students who want nothing more in life than to make lots of money. Excuse me while i HURL all over your econ graphs and accounting statements.
I'm more than likely not going to get into the business school for winter quarter, thus, by the UW's mandate, I'll be a Communications major. Which is about a 1 out of 10 as far as majors go in my book.
I literally can't think of anything I enjoy studying or would love doing for a living. Yes, i enjoy sports, and no, i'm not good enough at any of them to pursue any kind of occupation having to do with them (besides concessions maybe. and even then i'm not qualified to manage a concessions stand).
I hate that i've been shelling out money for a major i don't want any part of. I don't want my name on a degree like Comm. I'd rather wipe my transcript and start over. I feel like i'm wasting my life going no where.
which leads me to think about what i've been accomplishing over the past few years. i got my diploma and an AA.
wow.
really?.... a 10 year old can graduate from the high school i went to.
I dont' feel like i'm a good example for my siblings
and i think my girlfriend deserves much more than i can offer
especially as i'm completely and utterly lost as to what i'm going to do with the rest of my life.

I'm an effing waiter... A WAITER!!! who gives a rip about a waiter.

basically i'm looking for a reason to keep going. Something to work towards. A goal. a path. SOMETHING...
Football gave me something to work for. Training to get a scholarship of some kind. Talking to coaches and getting offers from different schools. it was all exciting. but i ended up going to UW and not playing any sports at all. The closest thing to sports i've done in over a year is a co-ed E League Rec. soccer team once a week.

i guess i'm looking for purpose. something to hold onto and work towards. I hate feeling like i'm running around in the dark about to run into something going nowhere.

I hate this

lol i never post!

I'm not even gonna bother and check when my last post was. Long enough ago i think i can safely say no one is reading this blog. which is nice. kinda makes it an outlet for me that's technically public, but private. :P

been out of school for about 2 1/2 weeks now. i've been working. that's basically it. working. and i haven't saved a dime... sad huh? that's basically the only reason i work during the summer... fail. again. that's depressing.
and i dont' want this post to be another emo i hate my life and i suck at everything i do post, so moving on.

my better half and i have finally hit 4 months! which doesn't seem like a lot, and compared to past relationships, it's peanuts, but it really is considerable in my mind! which doesn't explain why i didn't do anything for her... i dont' even know that i wished her a happy 4 months. as petty as 4 months may seem... the least i could've done is wished her a happy anniversary. i'm a sad prick.

it's nice being back with the family! back home, finally put all my clothes away today (meaning off the floor...). packed up a bunch of stuff i won't see till fall. I'm uber excited to move into my new house! myself and 4 other people are renting a house for the year. it's about 4 blocks from campus, (about 3 blocks from my girlfriend :D), has a HUGE driveway (free parking!!), and it's gonna be UBER cheap. It's a four bedroom house. I'm sharing the huge room with another guy, and we're splitting the cost of that room. it'll be $310 a month for me which is NOTHING in the U District. :D
but ya. that's my plans for the school year. :D financial aid package is looking really good too.
still not sure what i'm gonna do once i'm done. All of my friends will still be finishing up their Bachelor's. I should be finished in the spring, if not then summer. As of now i'm looking at two options.
1) Be done with school and enroll in a firefighting academy. Start volunteering and get certified as an EMT and try to get on as one. Apply and test EVERYWHERE there is any opennings whatsoever.
2) find a masters program i'm somewhat interested in (seeing as how i have yet to begin a program i have any interest in whatsoever in all of my academic career...) and finish up one of those. I'll be 20 when I graduate from college...

Honestly i wish one of these options stuck out to me more, but neither really do. A masters program would be just continuing what i've been doing my entire life. School. I'm used to it, i know it, it's familiar, and comfortable. Not to mention drop dead dull.... i really wish i had an interest in anything... i really do.
maybe its my attitude... i don't know... does someone consciously choose to enjoy something? or is it just that everything i do enjoy people either laugh at, or you can't "study" it. w/e
i've given up fighting this ridiculous system they call "higher education." the only thing higher about it is the tuition bills. anyone can get into college if they feel like it. i got into... 4? yes, it's more advanced, but it's like running. eventually, as you grow older, you get longer legs and you run farther and faster. No one is shocked or makes a big deal over the fact that a 12th grader can outrun a 6th grader. when you graduate from high school your brain can move faster and take in more info. it's no different and it takes no more effort that high school did if you put it to scale.

work has been someone mundane. the same thing over and over and over and over and over again.... my job requires no brain power whatseover. you get in trouble for being overly friendly and you get in trouble for not being talkative. but that's why i'm going to college right?... (see above...)

wow, for never posting i sure have a lot of nothing to talk about.

well, i'm gonna end it here. it's 2:11am and i'm actually planning on doing things tomorrow.
Night all!

She loves me more

So today was rough. Class went pretty well. Got a midterm back (accounting) and I scored well above the curve, learned a bit in my New Testament class, went to music team practice, and a soccer game. I'll start from the end and work my way backwards.

The soccer game didn't go well.
We lost, but what really bothered me was how the game played out. It wasn't as if we didn't play hard, or we slacked off. It wasn't like previous games where my knee gets blown out again and I can barely limp off the field on my own. I literally had to sub myself out and take off my gear because i got so frustrated. I'm playing in a co-ed league, a low skilled co-ed league, which works for me because i pretty much suck in comparison to what i used to be. the team we played just didn't ... play. I would run around trying gain possesion of the ball, move it up the field, etc, and they would literally, flop in front of me. Tumble and fall spralled out all over the place. These GUYS (didn't have any problems with their female players... mind you) would throw themselves on the ground to get a call. It was pathetic. It wasn't soccer, it was an acting class. I couldn't PLAY. So that frustrated me. Pulled myself out because at that point i don't want to play soccer anymore, i want to make them earn their fouls. basically i would've started feeding them turf. and seeing as how that wouldn't benefit my team at all, i took my gear off and called it a game.
i talk about this with my girlfriend (more like whine to her...) on the way home and i'm pretty sure i irritated her with it.
the music practice
it went fine. we went through all the songs we'll sing on Sunday morning. We made a few adjustments and went on our merry way. Got into an argument with my girlfriend from music practice to the soccer game. Mostly about the fact that I don't enjoy singing for the music team, and that i'm doing it because i feel like my elder wanted me to.
I'm in the mindset that when someone in authority over you asks you to do something, you do it. No questions or comments. It's "Yes Sir" or "Yes Mam." You don't have a choice in the matter and you do as you're told and instructed.
She looks at it differently. She explained to me that if I don't feel like I'm called to that ministry, that I should tell them and step down. She tried to explain to her that I do have a choice and that the elders wouldn't want me doing this if it wasn't something I feel like God has called me to do.
She's right of course. It's hard to truly put your heart and soul into a ministry when you don't want to be there. Now don't get the wrong impression. When i go i am completely respectful. I get there on time, i sing when they tell me to sing, i laugh at their jokes, and i do as i'm told respectfully and with a good attitude. I have no qualms about it. I'm of the opinion that if they want me to sing, I'll sing. In all honesty there's no difference for me if i'm singing up front or in the pews.
It was something she is rightfully concerned about. She's a gifted musician. An amazing pianist with the voice of an angel to accompany it. She is called to this ministry and is somewhat appalled at the fact that I'm doing it when i really don't enjoy it or care. For me it's not an issue of whether i care or not. It's doing what i'm told.
In all honesty, I would love to serve in the music ministry. it just so happens that I SUCK...
yes. i can carry a tune. I "sing." I used to be in a choir and I used to train my voice for a class in order to perform. I also used to play sax. I haven't consistently played it for about 5 years. Every time I pick it up now. I SUCK.
I would LOVE to get better. I would love to study music. i would love to be decent again. good even. but the fact is, right now i suck and i hate that. i'm reminded of it every time i open a hymnal or look at a sheet of music.
So when it gets down to it, it's not that i don't want to serve. i just think God would call people who enjoy it the way they perform. I don't enjoy singing when i hate what comes out of my mouth. It's the same with dancing or sports i suck at. it's hard to enjoy them when you can't make anything good come out of them. it's frustrating beyond belief.
like i said. She's right. i shouldn't be singing if i don't feel called to it. the problem is there's still this obedience theory ingrained in me. I do as I'm told and I was told to sing with the music team. ...ugh...
and she was also trying to get me not to play in the game tonight because my knee is injured. She cares about me and just doesn't want me to get hurt more and i got angry. i keep feeling like i'm losing more and more of myself as i grow up, including sports and i kinda took it out on her without telling her what the real issue was. she was just trying to keep me safe and healthy and i just argued with her. Great boyfriend right?....

so those were the aggrivating parts of my day. the worst part is i'm stressing out her and she's overwhelmed as it is... i really need to think of something she'd enjoy...

i love you hun. and i know you love me more